How to be assertive at work...

A colleague has phoned in sick, you've been asked to do an urgent job of theirs and although you're snowed under with your own work, you meekly agree then wish you hadn't as you spend until late trying to get both tasks done. You spend the rest of the week kicking yourself that you hadn't said no - and it's not as if it's the first time either.

If you're being put upon and you want the situation to change, or if you have an inkling you're being taken advantage of but not really aware of how fully, ask yourself these questions about your work (and indeed these can apply to any other area of your life):

• What do you really want to do?

• What do you think you ought to do?

• What do you feel encouraged to do by others?

• What do you feel manipulated into doing?

• What do you feel downright pressured by others into doing?

Of course there are very few people who spend all their time doing exactly what they want to do all the time, and most of them are probably very rich or unbearable! For most of us it will be a spread across the categories. For you it's important to get the balance right. If you think that you never do anything that you really want to do, then you're definitely being put upon.

If you're the one who always does any piece of work given to you because you're always being reminded that being a part-time worker is not as important as being full-time, then you may feel manipulated and put upon.

If you succumb once every three years to a family holiday pony trekking when you're the only one in the family who doesn't really like horses then that may be OK for you. Or if you're the one who always does any piece of work given to you because you're always being reminded that being a part-time worker is not as important as being full-time, then you may feel manipulated and put upon.

People in work situations get put upon most typically because there's too much work and not enough people to do it. This particularly applies to part-timers or those on short-term contracts who think that if they stand up for themselves, they may lose their job. The reality is however, that they probably won't - because these days there's so much legislation protecting worker's rights.

How do you stop being put upon?

Start with a few simple steps.

• Have a clear idea of what you want or at least what you don't want.

• Make a list of what you're doing now that you don't want to do.

• Then do a list of what you're not doing that you do want to do.

• Now choose the most important aspects of each list to tackle first.

• Now think about the other person or people in the situation.

• What do they want?

• What pressures are they under?

• Why might they be putting upon you?

• Is it deliberate or unintentional?

• Remember 'nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent'.

Try putting yourself in their shoes

Before you launch into tackling what you do want, have a go at demonstrating to the other person or people the understanding that you have of their situation. For example, perhaps your sister always takes it for granted that you can baby-sit. Try this solution:

"I know that you have mainly only got me as your babysitter and that you're desperate to get out for an evening. I'm often pleased to do it for you but I'm uncomfortable that you seem to have started assuming that I'll always be available at short notice. I'll baby-sit once a fortnight as long as we book it in advance."

You have to know what you really want and also what your fallback position would be if you don't get what you want.

• Decide what you want

• Say what you think and feel about the situation

• Say specifically what you want to have happen

• Be ready to reach a joint solution particularly on your fallback position

• Know when to give up if you're getting nowhere

If you know that you're stopping the rot of being put upon, you may find that you're able to do some of the things that you want to with better spirits.

So to the boss you say: "I know that this report needs to be ready for the meeting at eleven o'clock and I'll do it. But I feel annoyed when things like this always happen at the last minute. In future can you let me know about the meetings the day before and I will have everything ready in time?"

Easier said than done?

Sounds simple, but perhaps it's not so easy to do. So remember the points we raised earlier:

• Jot down notes for yourself about the situation and what you want to happen.

• Imagine yourself in the other person's shoes.

• Think how you'll demonstrate that you understand how it is for them.

• Be clear about what you think and feel.

• Be clear about your fallback position.